(in his own words) (heaven help us)

 

I create websites. Not shitty websites.

Good websites.

 

Here is a sampling of things I have made by pushing my mouse around.

I can do more than just design websites; I can take nearly anything and turn it into a sign.  Even billboard size.  I even have clients that have me turn the design I do for their website into a print ad.  I have other talents too, but now is not the time or the place for those.

 

You are not a web designer.  I am a web designer.

You wouldn’t tell Mr. Ford how to build cars, would you?  So please, don’t tell me I should “bevel” things.  Get back to doing what you do best and let me do the web designing. If you take control, or listen to your kid’s buddy who took an HTML class in high school, you’ll end up with a huge lump of dog dung, and people will laugh at it behind your back.  Kids will point and say:

“they didn’t listen to the web designer and their website looks like shit”.

All I need from you is a few examples of what you like and don’t like.  And no, the shade of blue in the logo doesn’t need to be darker.  Go have a beer and leave this to me.

 

How much does it cost?

I often get asked, “How much does a website cost?”  Some people would respond, “How long is a piece of string?”  I don’t respond like that because it’s a stupid expression.  The people who say that probably have a bunch of ear hair and wear socks with sandals.

The price depends on what you want me to build.  Here is a clever deal I created that should give you an idea if you look at it with your eyes open.

 

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I am not an animal.

I am a man.  A father.  For over 10 years, I have designed websites.  Prior to that, I was a shepherd on a remote island in the pacific.  Actually, I wasn’t.  I was a recruiting consultant in the fiber optics industry; people spat at me in the streets and shouted, “You’re nearly as bad as a real estate agent!  Why don’t you get a job?”  To be honest, I’m not good at jobs.  I’m fantastic at taking care of my clients, but I don’t work well for others.

I live in Roseburg, OR.  I work from an office in my home.  I generally sit here in my sweat pants with a 3-day growth of beard and listen to loud music while I work. (Octane on SiriusXM keeps me awake.)

But none of that really matters, does it?  I mean, it wouldn’t matter to you if I wore a ladies blouse and PVC boots as long as I built a good website, would it?  What’s that?  It would?  Oh, I’m a pervert, am I?

It takes me longer than it should to build websites because I’m all picky about things being right.  I’m a little like the furniture maker who sands and varnishes the underside of a cabinet. Yes, that’s right; it’s stupid and isn’t a “viable business model.”  I wish I could be ruthless and churn out crap, but I can’t, which is why I eat out of trash cans and can’t afford to turn the heat on.

I like to think I’m fair and honest, a bit like Frank from the car shop who shows me the parts he’s replaced and tells me about his athlete’s foot, except I won’t go into my fungal infections. I’ll just charge you a fair price and do a good job.

 

“CALL ME, call me” – Blondie 1980

There are many ways to get in touch with me. You could attach a note to the foot of a pigeon, or just yell like most of my ex-girlfriends.  Or even hire a lawyer like my ex-wife.  Alternatively, you could call me on the phone by dialing the number (541) 677-0555.  Or even Skype me?  You can even send me an email to matt@fotan.net (I much prefer this).
I have a fax machine, but really stopped using it about 7 years ago.  If you really MUST fax me something, just warn me and I’ll do my best.